Summer is upon us

My first summer with a mobile baby has begun. It has become apparent that it is almost impossible to baby proof the outdoors. Nature is there to test us. 

So far here are the dangers I have encountered:

Wasps and bees – They seem to be attracted to sweet smelling sticky babies and their colourful attire. One landed on Henry’s hat yesterday and I literally lost my shit. If one ever stings him I will find them all, and I will kill them.

Daisies, dandelions, weeds and grass – on a first encounter a child will 100% try and eat all of the above. I will admit, Henry did manage to bite the head off of a daisy the other day. He was not impressed with the taste so I’m hoping he’s learned his lesson there. I was busy on bee patrol, bees hurt daisy don’t. Well lets face it, it will probably just go straight through him. That’s one way to jazz up your nappy! 

Ants – Anyone who knows me will tell you one of my biggest fears are ants. The little bastards get everywhere and there’s no stopping them. Creepy crawly little shitters. I hate them. I opened Henry’s sand pit yesterday, only to be met by a fucking colony of ants having a party. I should just set the whole thing on fire but I closed the lid calmy, did a little freak out dance and thought I would leave that one for daddy. 

Sunburn – It’s barely 15 degrees out there but the sun isn’t something to mess with! I slapped factor 50 all over Henry’s Lilly whites yesterday. A pink baby is not a happy baby. He hated me for a good 20 minutes. It went in his eyes, I’m a rookie. Next time I will do it while he’s sleeping. There were too many hands and feet waving about.

Dehydration – Kids running around getting all hot and sweaty need to be watered more often. If you cant get them to drink, just chase them with a hose. Henry thought I was mental yesterday following him around with his water beaker trying to get him to drink. I ended up being the thirsty one! Beer hit the spot. 

These are only a few of the problems I have met so far. I am sure there will be thousands more. I feel like a new parent again this summer. A whole new set of dangers to fuck me up. I can’t wait. Now I get why that kid in the secret garden movie was kept indoors! His parents couldn’t cope with all the shit outside that could kill him. But you know, I can’t deprive my child from seeing his first butterfly or having his first water fight. I want him to make dens in the back garden and have picnics with me. 

I got this. They call me mum. Protector from danger and ant killer…


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