A Teenieager – A Teenie Tiny Toddler with all the attitude of a teenager.

Send help.

No really. Send help.

Who ever said toddlers were cute has clearly never owned one themselves.

They may appear cute. But it’s all lies and deceipt. They give you the sweetest smiles and lure you in. They lead you into a false sense of security and await the perfect moment to unleash hell. They’re clever, calculated and sassy little buggers who have all the tools to take you down, drive you into a corner and make you sit there rocking back and forward with a bottle of wine in one hand and your head in the other.

The other day we were having a civilised lunch with our friends when both kids (3 days apart in age) decided to go into full blown meltdown mode. I call this public manipulation. They scream and draw attention to you so that they can get their own way. They first test your level of embarrassment (mummy won’t want people to see this!), then your willpower (who will give in? how long will this last?) and then your last nerve (I am going to break mummy so she cries and I get my own way). They can sense fear. Show them even the slightest bit of weakness, you’re fucking doomed.

My advice to any parent who happens to own a toddler. Take them back to the shop, tell them they are broken. you followed all the instuctions on Google and it still doesn’t work. bloody rip off if you ask me!

Come onnnn. We’ve all done it. My google search history consists of things like:

‘Why won’t my toddler sleep?’

‘How to shut down a toddler tantrum’

‘Why are toddlers pricks?’

‘How to trick a 2 year old into eating a carrot’

All jokes aside, even though toddlers have all the attitude of moody hormonal teenagers, they are bloody funny and we will look back and laugh about these terrible ordeals (or shake in horror).

I am enjoying the daily challenges Henry is throwing my way. The pooing on the floor, the planking on the pavement, the random 2 hour long bed time stand offs. He’s training me for the stress and worry he is going to put me through in another 15 years… I will be totally ready for it.

Maybe.

But in the meantime I will just cherish these god awful moments with my cheeky little chap.

Just look at him! As if butter wouldn’t melt!

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